so this guy walks into a bar...

Not really. But a guy I knew long, long ago was recently arrested for allegedly throwing a 4-lb. pumpkin at his girlfriend, in addition to, according to the newspaper, "several other gourds." This alone was enough to make me nearly wet my nickers, but in the grand tradition of milking the most possible humor out of someone else's unfortunate situation, here are my favorites of the comments spawned by this nonsensical incident:

• "Total waste of a beer. Everyone knows pouring beer on people doesn't make them more attractive, it just makes them smell better. He should have drank the beer then put the pumpkin over her head. Just a little thought would have saved the day, not to mention the beer, pumpkin, and gourds."
• To the girlfriend: "Be grateful for the experience and what it taught you: Move forward and duck for flying pumpkins."
• "10 bucks says his jailhouse nickname will be Pumpkinhead."
• "Hug a pumpkin, not a miscreant!"

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In other news, I went for my semi-annual haircut today. After the stylist looked at the job I've been doing maintaining my own bangs and unconvincingly lied, "it really doesn't look bad at all," she went to town and gave me a new cut that she described as "mod." I don't know about that, but it does look disturbingly similar to the hair of the wayward 18-year-old waitress at my work, except her hair is blue. Too bad the salon didn't have any Botox laying around, I'd have been all set.

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Quote of the week: "I never puked on myself until I met Jenny."

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More uninteresting nonsense later.